The post life dream.

I wonder why is this world consumed by corporeally. For a person to be happy is to do what it's soul wants to do. How many persons can do that? Can live like that? The rich I suppose..they have the time, the money to do what they want. But that's not what I want to talk about. I'm talking about persons like me who just want to live free and for an example in my case do art, write music, poetry, novels. Why people like this often can't do it freely how long and much as they want to do? Why are we living in a world where you have to do things you hate and despise just to live "a good life"? Why are lives overrun by sadness, depression, hate, death, madness and solitude?  Because they can't do what they want to. Every one of those people ask this from themselves every single day: "Why can't I do what my heart is dying to do?". They aren't happy because their dreams are shut down by the fact that it has become normal that you work hard to get money and if you got to payday, then you'll be happy - money isn't happiness. They've told me my whole life that money is everything: friends, company of women, happiness...everything. Money didn't bring me real friends, love, happiness, the only thing it did bring me was sadness, misery and left me alone to rot. And now, it's still the same..friends who forget you when you never forget them, who never care for you. Why the fuck do I still call them friends? To those people: lets play a game of hide and go fuck yourself!

When will I be free and do what my soul lingers to?

Give me thy soul!

Now for a long time I've been speculating and opening my mind towards heaven, hell, afterlife, limbo/purgatory and some kind of higher power. So I just wanna' speak my mind and get it all out. And also see what you think of it. Everything I am writing from now on is just speculation and putting things under question.

So....they say that when you die, you'll go to a place called heaven or hell. And also there's a place for the other kind of people, called purgatory. Why do people even believe stuff like this? Do they seek guidance? Do they look for comfort? Do they need the feeling that they have a fate and if they fail at something, they can say; "It's my fate.". Do they actually need that something would guide they're life? Think of this. Maybe religion is just a worldwide scam to control people. Man loves power. And it will stop at nothing to maintain it. Religion may be a devil in disguise. What actually heaven is? A nice place for everybody? Hitler thought that gas chambers were a nice place for the Jews. Stalin thought that Siberia is a nice place for the Baltic people. Of course every person has his own imagination and sees heaven differently. But what if heaven isn't so great? What if it's worse than hell? And whys hell bad? I think that Lucifer fought for a great cause. For everyone to be special. God wanted every angel to kiss His ass and bow to Him. And Lucifer started to rebel, to be something...to be somebody! And is it wrong to be somebody? I wanna' be somebody! Don't You? I've heard that purgatory is a place where souls are damned forever. To exist endlessly in the plains. What if this life, earth, universe is purgatory? Maybe we all are damned and doomed forever? And it's a big comedy to heaven and hell. We're a big TV show. I myself think that afterlife is something...different than religion says it is. I think we have something more in us than just a mortal body. That we are "souls" traveling the universe and learning on different planets and realms. When we die here, we have had the "education" we needed/came for/were sent for.

I'm not saying that you can't believe what you want. I'm just saying.....what if.

As the maker of the river Styx, I may let them die to make me bloom.

Why can't everything be as simple as a flower? Or the sea? Actually I have nothing to say or write, so I can't see the point of this and I have no idea where this is going. Some things just start, then they get you to the highest point of beautiful....and then they let you to fall. They let you fall to the ocean, to make you're fall a bit more comfortable. But as soon as you hit the water, they kiss it and it all turns to unbreakable black ice. With one spike reaching for the sky, in a matter of seconds that same spike will penetrate you're body. And as you lay there tripping that last liter of blood...they look into you're eyes and sing:"All the loved ones I have loved, all the dead ones I love, I do not love You and now...I shall give You despair!". As soon as she has singed her song, the spike starts to sink. And in no time, you mark the land of the no man's. You wont have a happy life, I guarantee that to You!




I wrote this last night, ain't anything special:

Imagine this
You ride the route 66
With an old mustang
You have You're favorite record playing
Every thing's at the best condition as it can be..
Your loved one is beside You
And at once
He&She breaks You to little tiny pieces of tender glass and leaves
And as soon as that happens....a deep end of the universe appears a front of You
you ride into it in tears and broken
And everything turns to black and dies
You're alone
.....forever alone...

It was me....

It was always me.............

I'll see you in the freezing nether.

I'm amaranthine.

Yeah, hei! Well I haven't posted anything in a while. I wonder why..? Actually I've kinda been busy with things. Nothing special though, resting, messing with bands, realationship problems and getting my own band together, which is a real bitch to do. To get a group of people together who are on the same wave spiritually, musically and goals set up high and be fully optimistic about them, that's harder than saving the world. But I'm making progress! I have a few drummer candidates but no bassists..damn! But I'm not giving up..NEVER! My dream will go through, even if I have to go through every "hell" in the universe, i will prevail! Been really busy with school. Trying to get good grades and to commit the exams as best as I can. The realationship with one special girl is anything but easy, as well complicated. Gypsy, sittin' looking pretty, like a broken rose with lauging eyes, burning out and burning me. I'll really try harder to write more often here. Have a nice day and enjoy the outwordly light of the raining night sky.

Skky Lygth

To try, to die,

To dry, to fly.

Oh why do I live the way I live?

Probably because I'm a one of a kind.

In where to I fall,

in where i saw where I first was.

In the dark I felt someone tapped,

when actually it was You who was trapped.

I gave You my heart shaped bottle during the party,

You sucked it empty and threw it in which it's pieces parted.

On a mountain I was, climbed on to the highest rock I had.

The sky was in storm, thunder struck what ever had heart.

On that rock I stood, yelling "Why did You go!?"

As I yelled, the thunder struck, I fell through the endless pit.

In the ocean I fell, to the bottom I sank.

In the end, I was just another Titanic You broke.

Today my heavens hung in black.

Things never are what they seem to be. Today I found out something I should'vn known a long time ago, but I hoped it isint as it came to be. Careing and trusting somebody for this long, and then finding out that they didn't give a shit about it, that really does hurt. But why do I let people in anyway? I suppose that I'm depending on others too much, I need the love of others. But who doesn't? Seems that I'm a softie, shouln't be! But I can't help it, I love to help others and feel what they feel. I think that's why I'm an artist, of some kind, to express my own feelings through my art. I can help everybody else but myself. Today my heavens hung in black..

Release the wheel!

Another night, another senseless feeling. i've decided to write in english from now on, so give me some slack if I write a word or two wrong. I feel like I'm a fifth wheel under there, I allways try to help people and be there for them. Most of the times I succseed, but the thing that hurts is that I get alittle in return. Well, if You're helping other people, then you do it with a reason to help that person, not with a reason like" Hey I helped You, now You must help me!" No, its not like that at all, at least not with me! I do it with a thought of helping someone and being there for them, and in the end seeing that they'r good and happy, well..that's a really good feeling. But I feel that by helping others, I'm leaving myself to die. But hey, so what! Lately I have been speaking with an really amazing person, She's like a breath of fresh air. Yes, if You're reading this, then You'll know I'm talking about You. *smiles*. With You I can really talk about everything, thank You. I truely care for You! I will try to write more often now.

Lunaticity

Hei! Täna ma magasin järjekordselt sisse. Tavaliselt ma ikka kuulen kui telefon möirgab, kuid täna ei häirinud mind mittemiski. Väga halb on olla, tunnen nagu hakkaks hulluks minema. Kõik käib ringi, kuulen igast asju, olen üldse omas maailmas. Ma pean tõsiselt aja maha võtma, mis pole kahjuks võimalik. Miski pole kunagi nii nagu ta paistab. Kui keegi oskab, siis palun aita mind!

Let Me to Take Me There!

Tere! Mul on väga sürreaalne hetkel eksisteerida, kõik käib ringi. Ma pole midagi tarvitanud! Kusjuures, kui keegi teist seda siin loeb, siis ta märkab, et ma pole pikka aega siia midagi endast propageerind, kui häbitu minust! Seega, et asjade käiku muuta, ma kirjutan. Ma otsustasin, et kui ma nüüd Kurtna kooli lõpetan, siis ma astun Georg Otsa Muusikakooli, mis on arvatavasti hea mõte. Seal ma õpin muusikuks, vat! Ma mõtlesin, et ma teen oma blogi inglise keelseks, et see leviks kaugemale. Samas ma ei tea, peaks hääletuse tegema!
Mu väline helikaart põles läbi, ristkülikuke läbi mille ma sain lindistada musa, nüüd on see mõneks ajaks rajalt maas, ning seda ka minu muusika. Seega, ma hakkasin raamatut kirjutama. Ma kirjutasin raamatusse mõned read mis sobiksid hästi mõnda lukku: "In My dreams, I am a storm that leaves no trace. In the eye of the storm I lay, I flow through into the other side, which in I am an red sun that radiates through the endless illumination of time and space. There I find which I thought I coulnt, the real realisation of Me. I fight it, I kill it, I have it in Me, I die. I wake, I feel cold as the wind rubs agains the grain of My skin, I try to open My eyes, but which they don't open, I feel I am rising, I open My eyes as I see, I am the universe, and as I feel the power of life and god, I see I am on a collision with the endless storm which leaves no trace...it calls to Me, Let Me take You There."
Ma tunnen eneses kahtlusi, ning ebausaldust iseendi vastu.
Oh let Me burn.