Elysian Fields (The Clauryan)

In my head, outside the reality of the dead mind of a tasted body withing the mind. Why am I realizing this now? How could I overcome this? Could I overcome this? Do I want to overcome this? I'd love to taste the brain of a innocent man than I've just killed with my bare hands. I would drain him from his blood and pour it all over my head within the heart I've just consumed. Overwhelmed to the state of where there is no return. The sane mind will not be able to process the reality I am experiencing. To sustain such weights on your mental state is lethal. Why would anybody want to put themselves through something like this? Why the fuck am I what I am? I even don't know if I want to be this...but do I have a choice? Everything begins with the choice. Where did I make mine? I seem to have lost the track of time over my life, every millisecond is like what had to "jesus" experience times six thousand and forty three times sixty ten billion. I am the man whose mind died every day. Whose body isn't a conduit to this world but to another. What are these worlds I am traveling in? Inside me is a unstable cosmic storm of mentalities. Many versions of me roaming the deserts endlessly in order to find the original soul trapped inside the Pandoras box that has been kept from me for so many ions. The flux of my arms is amaranth. My mind is virulent as a virus digesting the sun, a black hole without any destination. It leads to  a empty place so dark that even the most powerful gods had to abandon because even they could not withstand the energies roaming this forsaken place. Who led me here? Was it I or was it a version of my twisted sick self that trapped me here so he could bloom in the everlasting fields of Elysium? I will not escape this place even if I will have the chance....one could say I am destined to roam this place endlessly and at some sick point become a new god of plague and decay so I could create another world so dark that no entity would step into with a clear mind. I will become something to be something of. I feel like I'm not an organic being any longer. There are cogs in my head, pumps breathing in, breathing out, wires for veins. Indestructible mechanical parts that won't let me fade. But how then can I feel? Something in me is terribly wrong...something changed....in the dark corners of my mind.

Post sane title.

Wait.

Wait longer..                 ..and longer..      ...and longer....   and longer.

Light the cigarette...but just yesterday I felt like quitting. I felt good. I felt different kinds of feelings such as love, compassion, joy, understanding and sharing everything amaranthine to infinity. I saw the world full of color and a light feeling of levitating as powerful, meaningful, dreadful like the sun. I saw the big picture and understood it. I knew how to manipulate it,  turn it to my will and digest it. Oh but like every "everlasting" sun I dried out. This is where today came in...

All these great godly aspects of my still mental mind have vanished. They have been replaced with "powers" none less equal  gravity.  Love has turned to hate, joy to depression, understanding to total self-dedicated addiction. This happy illusion of a everlasting god complex has made its intentions regarding my condition very clear. I know every human has two sides to them - good and bad if you make it black and white - But when you start getting groovy with what you could do if you let either side manifest you...like a symbiosis if you will.  The limits are only within your mind. Again if you make it black and white it's sane and insane. Sane being the so well loved good and insane the bad guy. But what actually is insanity? Am I insane just because I feel and experience the world differently than you? How can you say my reality is altered when you've never experienced anything real? I'm not saying you're an imbecile and you've never felt left which is real. How can I say what is real when I've only seen it from the angle that this world has chosen for me. To believe this angle is where the choice comes in. To move on and go through this infinite wall of bullshit. The choice itself has already been made when we were born. The only thing we actually have a saying in is if we choose to go through and how we go. Here is where the same black and white come in. Of course it would be great if we could just cruise on the golden covered highway and chill the fuck out, but no....that will not happen. We need to make a conscious kick to our mental unconscious.


So sane or so insane?

Another plane where you can exist.

Woke up. I remember something from the past few days, but not much. I feel nothing but yet something. Some moments i feel like i didn't exist. So I decide to call Leelu. A good friend of mine. We just talk and i tell her about this. She says "dude! You're going thru delirium. Go read about it and DO NOT KEEP DRINKING! And rest!" So here i am. Just looked up delirium and it seems to be pretty bad. My hands are shaking and it's quite hard do do anything. Even writing this is quite.... weird? Just took a glass of beer. Feels pretty good so I think I'll continue with it. And maybe roll one so i could sleep. Help would be good, but no help is coming. I'm gonna go and play blues for the red sun.

Cataclysm

Everything seems so empty and soulless. I'm walking on a street where's a hundred or more people..yet I feel like I'm all alone. I look at people and only see blank black pages flowing around the nether - nothing to read from them or write on. Day by day, air gets harder to breathe. Surroundings fade and endless space with no end appears. I feel nothing, like I have no soul, no heart, no feelings, yet I feel this. People talk, I try to listen but their words turn only quieter and quieter until I can't hear them at all. I see dreams/visions of a place far away, if it exists. I'd like to go there. This here is just..dead.

Seer

Old habits and addictions are yet to come back it seems. All that I locked up inside a few years ago wants to get out. If I would to be smart..I wouldn't let me get out. But...., I love the feeling it rises within. I have no idea what should I do. Should I give into my lust?

The post life dream.

I wonder why is this world consumed by corporeally. For a person to be happy is to do what it's soul wants to do. How many persons can do that? Can live like that? The rich I suppose..they have the time, the money to do what they want. But that's not what I want to talk about. I'm talking about persons like me who just want to live free and for an example in my case do art, write music, poetry, novels. Why people like this often can't do it freely how long and much as they want to do? Why are we living in a world where you have to do things you hate and despise just to live "a good life"? Why are lives overrun by sadness, depression, hate, death, madness and solitude?  Because they can't do what they want to. Every one of those people ask this from themselves every single day: "Why can't I do what my heart is dying to do?". They aren't happy because their dreams are shut down by the fact that it has become normal that you work hard to get money and if you got to payday, then you'll be happy - money isn't happiness. They've told me my whole life that money is everything: friends, company of women, happiness...everything. Money didn't bring me real friends, love, happiness, the only thing it did bring me was sadness, misery and left me alone to rot. And now, it's still the same..friends who forget you when you never forget them, who never care for you. Why the fuck do I still call them friends? To those people: lets play a game of hide and go fuck yourself!

When will I be free and do what my soul lingers to?

Give me thy soul!

Now for a long time I've been speculating and opening my mind towards heaven, hell, afterlife, limbo/purgatory and some kind of higher power. So I just wanna' speak my mind and get it all out. And also see what you think of it. Everything I am writing from now on is just speculation and putting things under question.

So....they say that when you die, you'll go to a place called heaven or hell. And also there's a place for the other kind of people, called purgatory. Why do people even believe stuff like this? Do they seek guidance? Do they look for comfort? Do they need the feeling that they have a fate and if they fail at something, they can say; "It's my fate.". Do they actually need that something would guide they're life? Think of this. Maybe religion is just a worldwide scam to control people. Man loves power. And it will stop at nothing to maintain it. Religion may be a devil in disguise. What actually heaven is? A nice place for everybody? Hitler thought that gas chambers were a nice place for the Jews. Stalin thought that Siberia is a nice place for the Baltic people. Of course every person has his own imagination and sees heaven differently. But what if heaven isn't so great? What if it's worse than hell? And whys hell bad? I think that Lucifer fought for a great cause. For everyone to be special. God wanted every angel to kiss His ass and bow to Him. And Lucifer started to rebel, to be something...to be somebody! And is it wrong to be somebody? I wanna' be somebody! Don't You? I've heard that purgatory is a place where souls are damned forever. To exist endlessly in the plains. What if this life, earth, universe is purgatory? Maybe we all are damned and doomed forever? And it's a big comedy to heaven and hell. We're a big TV show. I myself think that afterlife is something...different than religion says it is. I think we have something more in us than just a mortal body. That we are "souls" traveling the universe and learning on different planets and realms. When we die here, we have had the "education" we needed/came for/were sent for.

I'm not saying that you can't believe what you want. I'm just saying.....what if.